Image Map

confession >> this anxiety might kill me

I kind of hate myself for posting this picture.
And do you love how everyone is using the "A Beautiful Mess" App now?
Funny, but totally understandable. 

Saddle up. It's a doozy.

For those of you who don't already know, my husband is in Medical School. Back before this song and dance began (and man is it a long one) my Uncle informed me that he hoped I was an independent person--because that's what it takes to be a Med School student's wife.

I was. I am...most of the time.

Then school started, we moved an hour away from family, and reality checked in. Long hours, stress that I have never seen before, inability to relieve what your spouse is going through...That was the first two years anyway.

Third year has been much easier overall. More like a job--with the exception of a few months here and there.

Fourth year begins this summer. This is an exciting time. My husband has chosen a medical profession, he is applying for "auditions" with programs around the country for his Residency program (which will tack 6 more years on), then after auditions he will go back and interview, and then the magic day will happen where he will me matched to a program--hopefully one we want--where he will do his Residency. Alas, a light at the end of a long, long tunnel.

This is all good news. It's progression.

But I am pregnant. 

And I am due this fall.

And he will be gone for four consecutive months out of state while I am in my last two months of pregnancy. 

While I give birth to our sweet little girl. 

And while she lives out the first few months of her life.

It's hard for me to think about directly because I will randomly burst into tears. Yet I am always thinking about it on some level because lately this cloud has been following me around pouring anxiety and sadness over me constantly. 

And I don't know how to address it.

If I address how I feel head on will it make it easier? Or will it make it worse?

It's hard to live with. It's spoiling the month or so I have before he leaves. I am more tired, more short tempered, more emotional, less determined, less motivated...less myself.

I don't know. I always know what to do with my emotions but this is too big for me.

I am independent, but sometimes what lies ahead and what will be required of me feels bigger than I can bare. 

Deep down I know it will all work out. I have family who will help me out and keep me company. I have wonderful friends who have already offered their support. I am blesses and truly grateful.

But they aren't Tyler. And this new baby is ours, mine and his. I want to experience all of the newness with him. And I can't.

It's not so much about needing help in the middle of the night, or having someone take my kids so I can sleep, or dinners, or any of the daily tasks. It's about his presence being gone. He is my source of comfort. I want him to be apart of all the newborn-ness.

The worst part is that as sad as I feel about it all (and I do), I picture my husband far away in Pennsylvania while I am on my last leg of pregnancy and needing someone to mop my floors for me. And he can't help. And then in Chicago while I am bringing our new baby home to a house with one parent. And he can't be there. And I think about how he will feel.

No matter how hard it will be for me, it will be harder for him. While I am missing him, he is not only missing me, but he's also missing everything.

I know that people have to go through much harder things in their lives. I really don't want to come across as if I am belittling those events and the people who are forced to live with trials. I am grateful that at this time things aren't worse for me, because they definitely could be.

Regardless, I am still nervous, scared, sad, lonely, and terrified a little. And getting larger by the second.

Blah, blah, blah.

Done.


Follow on Bloglovin

3 comments:

  1. X.A.N.A.X.

    ....whoops.....your pregnant....never mind! No words of advice.....just pure sympathy for your situation!! Hold on....it's going to be an interesting ride!

    ReplyDelete
  2. p.s. this picture of you is adorable!

    ReplyDelete
  3. No real words of wisdom because it is going to stink. You know this, I don't need to reiterate it for you. BUT that being said you can do hard things and it will be over in a flash. I am sorry that the timing of all this is just so lame. LAME! As always, I've got your back, as much as I can with my own limitations. But if we could be sister wives I totally would be there for you!

    ReplyDelete